I knew there were some issues with ‘teasing’ when 3 weeks ago my daughter came out of school crying, which had never happened before. The teacher brought her to me and said, “there’s been a bit of teasing, I think she’s just being over sensitive.”
He said it in the nicest possible way and this genuinely is what he thought, BUT our perceptions on a situation is simply that…our perception and not always the truth.
THE NOT SO VERY MINDFUL MUM!
I let someone else’s opinion of my daughter influence my actions and looking back now I hear my daughters many calls for help over the last few weeks and even the past year… little things she said to me (that would have taken all her effort to say). Her sluggish energy and her spark a little less… well, ‘sparky’.
I didn’t see that there was a problem, she would tell me something and I would brush it off as ‘annoying boys’… and so she would dust herself off and be brave for me, because she knows that being positive and kind makes me happy!!!
I hadn’t been LISTENING to her…
I had closed off from what she was trying to tell me
because she could not communicate with me how MUCH she was hurting.
What she wasn’t telling me was that she felt rejected, unwanted, unliked, disgusting, and embarrassed, that she wasn’t good enough…
She hid this feeling because the one time she showed any emotion to an adult, after many many incidents of bullying and ‘braving it up, letting it wash over her’ she got labelled as ‘overly sensitive’.
…..2 weeks later my daughter came home from school and, for the first time in 7 years, she literally broke down crying and sobbing on my lap. I had never seen her like that ever before.
“I can’t take it anymore Mummy, the boys are being so mean, it’s too much.”
I was genuinely surprised to see this reaction. She’s the ‘happy go lucky’ sort that rarely lets anything get on top of her, so I knew this was big.
As a parent we want to protect our children from pain and heal their hurt but, in that moment, my soul whispered to me, “this is a great lesson for her, don’t take it away from her.”
I knew that I had 2 choices; enable her to become the victim OR let her process this in a way where she could find new self-awareness and step into her power.
I had to be there for her so she felt supported and loved, but not influence the story. I had to remain neutral without my judgments of anyone involved. I had to be consciously aware and mindful of the situation as a whole. I WANTED PEACE, NOT WAR.
THE MINDFUL MUM / DAD / FRIEND / FAMILY MEMBER
1) HOLD SPACE & LISTEN
I knew the first thing to do was walk away from the noise of the family, take her into the living room where there is no distraction and give her my full attention. I just held her in my arms as she sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
Crying is good; crying helps us all to release the pressure that we hold in our body. Say nothing; let your child cry, while holding that space for them.
Keep grounded and mindful of not being drawn into feeling their pain. You are looking to understand the whole picture, ensuring this doesn’t become a drama of blame and hate.
Observe what is happening, notice what you haven’t noticed before, their body language, the words or sentences they get stuck on. Notice what messages you are getting from your own intuition.
2) ASK QUESTIONS
When she began to come back round I asked her a simple question, “do you want to tell me what happened?”
Remain quiet after asking an open-ended question. Ask questions, but one at a time giving them the space to really think about what happened.
Really listen to what they are saying… NOTE what they are NOT saying – the clues are often in whats not said!
Watch their reactions. What are you not seeing? Ask questions like, “how did that make you feel?” “why do you think they said that?” “Do you think thats true?”. Remember they may need time to process and you will get more answers as time goes on, when the issue becomes an open topic within the family.
3) NON-JUDGMENT
My daughter told me half of her class were being mean to her, I will admit that a part of me was thinking ‘those little fuckers'(!) but I knew that these children are not awful kids. No child is born mean and as much as it pains me… I knew that this was a great lesson for her. I had to remind myself, they are kids, and situations arise that cause heavy energy , THIS IS LIFE- I can’t judge anyone.
If you become judgmental and openly begin fuelling the drama, it sets the scene for war between people. Conflict is a natural part of being human, and we can resolve conflict and before it turns to war! Conscious parents are looking for peace. A judgmental attitude towards anyone – the other kids, the school, the parents – will trigger your child to give you answers that will make you happy and not answers that are truth… judgment will stop a conscious process and will simply end in a drama.
4) UNDERSTANDING & COMPASSION
My daughter already has a very compassionate nature. She shared with me her compassion and understanding of these kids… as the bullying went from 2 or 3 boys and escalated to half the class, she told me she knew it was out of character for most of them. She told me of reasons why she felt that they may have low self-esteem, and she understood how some of them wouldn’t be strong enough to stand up against it. She also, with pride, shared how she saw some of the boys walking away from the bullying, feeling proud that they didn’t join in… she shared with me what she knew was happening in their home life or their own struggles at school which could be leading them to behaving in this way… she actually blew me away with her compassion and understanding.
Every child has to learn the great lessons in life that help them to form strong relationships in their adult years, they also need to learn how to form boundaries and learn to respect each other, as well as themselves.
I am not condoning bullying at all, what I am saying is you and your child will find more peace inside and, with understanding from your own shadows, this will allow you to become more compassionate.
Most kids who bully tend to come from a place of insecurity, low self-esteem, inadequacy and often, jealousy. Most that go along with the ‘pack’ will have fear of rejection. These are all feelings as we adults have felt and learn how to work through, but kids are still learning…. most of the time they have no real awareness of what they are doing or what the consequences are.
It takes a very grounded child who is truly confident in who they are to not get washed away with the crowd.
Remind yourself of times when you were a child (or an adult) and you had not acted in the nicest of ways; maybe to your siblings or to your friends, or when you hadn’t stepped in – this is a great time to forgive yourself for those things that you did in the past.
5) FORGIVENESS
Kids learn their greatest lessons by failure and making mistakes, therefore we have to accept they will make mistakes and we have to forgive them for this. Remind yourself that most kids are yet to find their own place in this world and that is why/how the pack mentality begins to form.
Forgiveness is for you, not for them. Your aim is to find peace within for you and your child – the more you forgive the less you are feeding the fire of war, hate and injustice.
A simple process of forgiveness that has worked is saying (in your mind and not to the people):
I FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID.
I’M SORRY THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER AND FOR ANYTHING I COULD HAVE DONE THAT I DIDN’T DO BETTER.
THANK YOU FOR THE LESSON.
I LOVE YOU BECAUSE WE ARE ALL HUMAN AND WE ARE ONE.
This releases the energy between you, your child and anyone involved – peace!
6) EMPOWER
I believe that victims become victims because there is something inside of them that believes this to be true. My daughter was told she was disgusting. I had to spend some time with her exploring any parts of her deep inside where she may feel disgusting, she could not see it, but I could as her mother right away see where her deepest insecurities were hiding, where her inadequacies hide and how different from the other kids she truly feels. I know that if she feels different then kids will pick up on this energetically and they will mirror this back to her… its simple law of attraction.
My job, as a mindful Mum, was to spend some time with her, showing her that all children are different and unique… and how the most unusual people in the world are the ones who make the biggest change! This is deep work but it is so worth getting to know your child’s deepest, most hidden insecurities.
7) RESOLVE
I believe that if a child has an opportunity to confront the bullies in a ‘peaceful space held by adults’, where there is no blame and no judgment then this dissipates the energy. The bullies have to see the damage that they are causing and the consequences of their actions. But, the victim must be empowered enough to speak for themselves – to stand up and say, “did you know that what you were doing was hurting me?” and ask “why did you do it..?” – they are then empowered to become equal with all and the bullies get to see it for what it really is – it’s not a game… its real life!
When the issue is aired so all can see, then nothing is hidden. This may be uncomfortable for most and this is the “new way of doing things” – the old way is to remove the victim from the situation but this just keeps them as a victim.
As parents we are teaching our kids our own behaviours… if we don’t want to be judged or our kids to be judged, then we must not judge others… If we want to be heard and understood, then we must show our children that we listen and look to understand others. If we want kindness and compassion for ourselves and our kids, show your kids how you are kind and compassionate to others. Light the path to all in your life… so all can see there is strength coming together with love and understanding SO PEOPLE LEARN THAT colluding and speaking ill of others simply breeds anxiety within communities… and themselves.
Be the change you want to see, deepen your self-awareness and you will change the world with your light!