I have learned invaluable lessons about being mindful and to live more in “the now” – how to appreciate the present moment and not be so transfixed on the past or worry too unduly as to what the future holds”
I’m forty years old this March (just typing that made me wince a little) and if the saying is true and life does indeed begin at forty then in discovering the Mindful Manifesting and Meditation course I may just have found the perfect start to the second half of my life.
I first heard about the course by stumbling upon on a post written on Facebook. That’s where I spent half my life (on Facebook) I used it as a window to the outside world, to communicate, debate and make friends in various places around the world.
I found it easier to interact with people that way, as they were not actually physically there and if I decided I wanted to be alone for a few hours (or a few days) I just had to close down a messenger screen. If I felt I was talking to somebody who made me feel uncomfortable, all I had to do is hit the block button.
I’m told it’s not usually socially acceptable to just up and leave mid-conversation because you have the urge to be alone. Or, if you have a guest visiting, it’s not seen as polite to suddenly stop responding to their questions, put them in a large drawer and wander off to bed. And, in the morning, if you feel like it pull them out of the drawer and answer their question then. Yet, that’s just what Facebook and other social media allows you to do, and I liked that, I treasured being alone and I valued being in my own little world… at least I thought I did.
But, towards the end of last year I read about Mindful Manifesting and Meditation through a message on Facebook. I had heard of mindfulness before and how it may be beneficial to people like myself who have suffered mental illness. In the past I have tried lots of techniques, therapies, pills and potions to try to fix my jumbled up head which has depression, anxiety, PTSD and BPD all running about causing riot in my brain. Some worked to a certain extent and some quite frankly just seemed to make me feel worse. When I read on further I noted the next course would be starting in October and I thought I would give it a shot so I signed up. But, as the start date drew ever nearer I got more and more apprehensive about it; part of the symptoms of my anxiety is that I’m often terrified at the thought of meeting new people and interacting with them in person. I tried to psyche myself up to go on the day, but that Monday was pouring with rain and so it gave me a perfect excuse not to.
As the rest of the year drew to a close I started reflecting on my life and how I felt as if I had been stuck within myself for years. My own head has felt like a prison and I had been given a life sentence. I knew that my release date was long overdue. It was time to come up with an escape plan, but I couldn’t figure out what.
Near Christmas I saw another notice pop up on Facebook about the term starting in January for the MMM course, I resolved that this time I would definitely go so I sent Lou a few messages asking her about joining the group to which she warmly responded with, “if the time is right something will guide you to where you need to be”.
Well, as it turns out, the time was most certainly right and I went along to the next class at the beginning of January. It wasn’t as simple for me as deciding that was what I was going to do though. The days leading up to the start of the course I began to feel more than a little apprehensive at the thought of going, mainly because I knew I would be in a room full of real live human beings and they may even look at me or, worse still, try to talk to me. Normally when I have these kind of feelings or thoughts of avoidance I would just completely get rid of any reminder of the source of the thing I was trying to avoid and block it out, so I could just keep the status quo going in my life. So I would, for example, have started to panic about going along, and just deleted all information, messages and groups from my email, phone and social media, and never give it a second thought again.
But, this time, something felt different. Yes, I was scared at the thought of going and having to actually interact with people I don’t know, but as I stopped to give myself thinking space I tried to objectively analyse my fears and thoughts and came to realise that deep down it wasn’t just the thought of having to be social that scared me, but also the thought that I may be challenged in the way that I live. I was fearful that if I see there is a new, different way to think and treat myself then that would mean I would have to stray from my comfort zone and change the way I do things. After pondering this revelation I surmised that my usual thought patterns had felt threatened and my brain wanted to hold on to them. But, as the old familiar way of doing stuff wasn’t making me happy or fulfilled I overrode those fears, thus at the start of January I did indeed go along.
When I attended for my first session I felt unbelievably nervous and even began to scan the room for the easiest way to leave and think of reasons that I could come up with to excuse myself and leave if I felt too uncomfortable. But, as soon the session started and Lou started talking all of those fears were allayed. I immediately felt at ease and, by the time we were guided through the first meditation, I felt an energy in that room quite unlike anything I had experienced in my life, tranquil yet electrifying.
In subsequent sessions I have learned invaluable lessons about being mindful and to live more in “the now” – how to appreciate the present moment and not be so transfixed on the past or worry too unduly as to what the future holds. Also, how important it is for me to try and take “digital detoxes” and be more wary about the type of current affairs media I consume. There is so much negative energy and hate filling up airtime, column inches and bandwidth it’s sometimes all too easy to forget that most people at their core want to be good and to help their fellow humans. I have realised that consuming and digesting so much doom and despair and interpreting that as being the normal state of mankind has had the effect of making me feel misanthropic and wanting to distance myself from others.
I feel now that I am much for thankful for each day and for little things that I was too busy wrapped up in my own thoughts to notice before, such as the sound the magpies make outside of my window in the morning or the feeling of warmth from a sun ray, hearing the song of the wind or the life affirming refreshing feel of a downpour, or simply the smile of another person or the different shape of clouds in the sky.
In these past couple of months I feel like a part of my soul has been awakened, I have gone from not meditating at all to meditating every day for half an hour and the energy and feeling of well-being I have been lucky enough to receive from that alone has had a more positive effect on me than anything my doctor has ever prescribed me. I’ve also been noticing little coincidences literally every day, like having a conversation about a certain song that is years old only for it then to appear in several places daily. A good example of this is the song “man in the mirror” which was played in a session a few weeks ago, it was a hugely important song for me growing up and the album that it was from helped me through some harrowing years. Afterwards I heard it in so many places including a supermarket, a random person’s ringtone, a guy playing it acoustically at a bar and a Lego choir singing it in Batman movie! I feel this is because I have become more attuned to listening to the universe and picking up on the small lessons it is trying to teach me every day. So since then I truly have been starting with the man in the mirror and doing my best to change the world for the better every day by being aware of my actions and thoughts and striving to fill any given moment with love and positivity. I’m not saying I achieve that constantly every minute by any stretch of the imagination, far from it, but I now have more clarity to catch myself when I’m being negative and I’m much more aware and conscious of my words and inner dialogue I let loose into the world.
I now feel as though I am done with being locked away from the outside world. I want to connect with people in the real world again, to make new friends and to (forgive me if this sounds trite) to make a positive difference in the world. I’m not sure what form that will take or what it will look like yet but I’m certain it is going to happen.
As for manifesting I haven’t quite got £100k (although I haven’t asked for it yet) but I have manifested something much more important – a realisation that my demons are transient and frail and my angels are eternal and invincible.
For me, that has manifested my very own brand new beginning.
Guest Blog
Words: Mark Rowland
Discover our Mindful Manifesting & Magic course:
http://www.thisistheflow.com/course/mindful-manifesting-meditation-course-spring/